


Conversations

by Aidaran



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Awkward Conversations, Breakfast, Canon Compliant, Cultural Differences, Domestic Fluff, Established relationship?, Fluff and Humor, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Secrets, Total Fluff, bit of alcohol, food discussions, little domestic scenes, sorta cute
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-11
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-01 02:13:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18790933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aidaran/pseuds/Aidaran
Summary: A bit of kanar can loosen their tongues."Hope you don't mind me saying this, Garak, but I didn't really like your father."---"Don’t you Cardassians have stuffed animals or anything of the sort?”“Stuf... wait, you killed an animal and then put something inside him? My dear, and you have the nerve of calling us savages.”





	1. Heritage

**Author's Note:**

> It bugs me that they both are so smart and yet apparently they never guessed each other's secrets. So here's my fix.

"Hope you don't mind me saying this, Garak, but I didn't really like your father."

Garak's hand froze in midair, and if his reflexes had not been so sharp, his kanar glass would had dropped to the floor. He recovered almost immediately, and poured a bit more in his glass.

"I don't know what you are talking about, my dear."

"Of course you do."

"Indulge me. Tell me what fantasy are you now nurturing."

Julian lent back on the couch, drinking a bit more. He wondered if the alcohol had loosened his tongue.

"Tain. He  _ is _ your father, isn't he?"

"He's my boss."

"And your father, as well."

"How did you arrive at such an outrageous notion?"

"For starters, your facial features. And his hair is the same thickness as yours."

"My dear, we cardassians all have the same hair."

"Similar, not the same. Dukat's is a lot thinner for example. Around 0.01mm."

Garak scoffed and drank a bit more.

"You made an habit out of plucking out our hair and measuring it? I must say, that's the weirdest kink I can imagine."

"I have a very good sight. I don't need to  _ pluck _ it, Garak."

"So, you looked very carefully at him and his hair was just so similar to mine you made a deduction? Oh my, I regret reading those Sherlock Holmes books you gave me."

Julian decided not to rise to that bait. He smiled and leaned closer.

"Also the leukocytes he gave me matched your own enough to be from a family member."

"He could have gotten them anywhere. We are not savages, we have blood banks."

"Except that he exhibited all the symptoms of having less blood than he should. Those were his, Garak."

"Oh? Well, I have some information about you as well, my dear."

Julian was not happy with the deflection, but he had enough alcohol in his system to not be able to stop Garak at this point.

"Do tell, my dear tailor."

"You are not human."

Julian regretted all the alcohol he had drank, even if that had suddenly sobered him. His stomach turned, until he remembered nobody had discovered his secret in almost 20 years, so it was probably just a false alarm.

"What am I, then? A Vulcan perhaps? A targ? Maybe I am a secret ferengi."

"Oh, I had lots of theories, my dear. So I took the liberty of analyzing one strand of your hair."

"You know that's quite illegal, don't you?"

"Is it? My, I should brush my knowledge of federation laws. There are so many a man can get lost and forget some of them."

He paused and looked at his human companion, now trying his best to keep a calm expression. He sipped a bit more of kanar, and found the bottle empty when he tried to refill his glass.

"I'm going to the cabinet to get a new one, do you want something else, doctor?"

"I don't believe you. Your computers are pretty basic and you can't possibly access the federation ones. So, you are making this up."

"Oh, you'd be surprised at how good Quark's ones are. It was not cheap, but it was worth it. I had my own algorithm running for 2 days straight. More kanar, my dear?"

He poured him more without waiting for the answer and just relaxed, waiting for Julian to react. The human drank it all in one long sip and placed the glass in the table with such force it almost broke.

"So? Do you plan to just stretch this conversation indefinitely? I have an early shift, you know."

"Oh, but I already told you what I found out. You are not human. Yes, there's a genetic human base, but your genes have been tampered with, no doubt."

"That's ridiculous."

"Is it?"

"How long have you known about this?"

"About what?"

"Just tell me already, damn you!"

"Let's see... A bit after you removed my wire. I had always suspected, but that moment seemed a good one to do so."

"Why?"

"That, dear, I'll leave to your interpretation. Now, do you want to spend the night here, or go back to your quarters? I have a new blanket that's a lot lighter, you’ll like it."

Julian sighed but went to his bedroom. He didn't know why Garak bothered to ask at this point.

"You are an impossible lizard, you know that?"

"And yet you keep coming back."


	2. Bear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some cultural differences seem to arise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to StarTravel for beta'ing both this and the previous chapter! It's thanks to her that you have a weird-grammar-free version in your screens.

The first time Garak walked into Julian’s bedroom, he noticed something curious. He disentangled himself from the doctor, who huffed in annoyance, and walked to inspect the item.

“What is _this_ supposed to be?”

“It’s not an _it_. It’s a he.”

Garak grabbed the offending _thing_ by the leg and raised _it_ to the level of his eyes.

“Careful! You may pop some of his stitches!”

“I don’t understand just why you’d have something like this. Is this some sort of human ornament?”

“Give me.” Julian finally snatched him and took him away from Garak, hugging the little toy to his chest. “He’s not an ornament. His name is Kukalaka. Don’t you Cardassians have stuffed animals or anything of the sort?”

“Stuf... wait, you killed an animal and then put something inside him? My dear, and you have the nerve of calling us savages.”

Julian rolled his eyes and sat Kukalaka facing Garak, who leaned to inspect his face.

“Have you ever seen an animal that looks like this, Garak? Does he even resemble something that was once alive?”

“Could be. It is a big galaxy after all.”

Garak moved to inspect the bear a bit more. He grabbed his arm carefully, and touched the bit of material that was escaping from a popped stitch. It felt weird to the touch, but definitely, it didn’t seem to belong to a once alive being. Then again, one could never be sure with humans.

“It’s a _toy,_ Garak. We model toys to look a bit like cute versions of real animals and give them to the children.”

“What a marvelous concept! And what is... _he_ , supposed to be, then?”

“A bear.”

“Care to show me what that animal is?”

“I thought we had better plans for the night.” Julian was getting restless. And cold. He grabbed his uniform jacket and threw it over his shoulders, annoyed.

“Those can wait. Let’s see. What did you say he was?”

He didn’t wait for him to answer, already searching the database of Julian’s computer. The doctor huffed and followed him, still cradling the toy in his arms.

The screen showed a polar bear and then a grizzly one, and Garak looked alternatively to the screen and the toy a couple of times.

“Are you sure you gave me the right name for the animal, dear?”

“Look, it’s just a toy! Don’t put too much thought to it. It’s brown, it has ears and a muzzle, it’s a bear.”

“It could also be a dog.”

“Dogs don’t look like this, Garak. This is clearly a bear.”

“Perhaps another species of bear? I should keep searching.”

“They all are similar! Look, Garak, just use your imagination. This is a child’s toy, and that’s it. Human children like to imagine and pretend these are real animals, they don’t have to look like the real thing.”

“I see where your problems with style and fashion may have begun. You _pretend_ to know how to combine colors, don’t you?”

“Garak...”

“Give me that pathetic thing. I may be able to make its ears stand at the same height, at least.”

“Is a him, not an it.”

He sighed but gave him the toy, watching how the tailor produced all kind of tools out of his pockets.

“And doctor...”

“Yes?”

Garak was concentrated on fixing the toy, and he would have been a cute vision, had it not been obvious that he was not about to shut up any time soon.

“Is that why you insist on calling me lizard, even when I looked at them in the computers and none of them can talk or walk in two feet?”

“Perhaps it is. Don’t you have a funny name to describe us humans? And please don’t say monkeys.”

“Humans. That’s how I call you. Any other species I used to describe you would be inaccurate.”

“Oh, and a liar like you must make sure everything he says is exact, is that it??”

Julian leaned on Garak’s shoulders, watching him sew.

“My dear, you have the weirdest notions about me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love receiving comments! The input always helps me think where should I go next :)


	3. Cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Julian has to face a very cold and sleepy iguana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I intended these to be serious. My brain had other ideas.
> 
> Pre slash, pre previous chapters, around mid season 1.

Julian woke up to the sound of his door being hacked at 3 am. Again? Now what? Maybe go to Bajor on a mission? Spy on a shady character on the promenade? There was only one person who would so shamelessly hack his door, and most of the time it was for the most outrageous reasons.

What he saw instead was a very grumpy lizard, with a heavy looking blanket around his shoulders.

“Computer, increase temperature by 10 degrees celsius.”

No adventure today, it seemed.

“You know, Garak, it is polite to ask the owner of the quarters if he wants to increase it first.”

“You can remove those awful pajamas and it will be fine. Now shush.”

Julian got up and looked at Garak. Even if he seemed a bit pitiful, that was no reason for him to trespass and set the temperature to boiling.

“Yes, but I don’t want to. These are my quarters.”

“I don’t care.”

“Well, I do. I don’t want to get cooked alive or change my clothes to accommodate you.”

“Then call your friend and tell him to get my computer back online. I’ve been complaining to engineering for a week. Maybe the chief will listen to you.”

Garak huffed and spread his blanket on Julian’s bed. It looked incredibly warm. Far too much, considering the air was beginning to evaporate.

“What do you think you are doing?”

“Getting a good night’s sleep. Why?”

“It’s my bed.”

Garak fussed a bit more until he decided it looked good enough and got under the covers.

“I noticed.”

“Look, Garak, if you want I can talk with the chief in the morning, but now, you can go to the couch and regulate the living room temperature if you want.”

“No, I’m comfortable already.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Of course you’re not. You are standing at the edge of your bed at 3 am.”

“I mean, I’m not comfortable with you just... just inviting yourself like that.”

Garak didn’t even grace him with a stare. Instead, he rolled to the side and covered himself up to the nose.

“Well, that’s your problem, not mine. Want to talk about it? Maybe I could help, although I’m quite tired.”

“Just get out!”

“Can you lower your voice? I’m trying to sleep.”

“In my bed.”

“I think we already covered that.”

“Just... please, just go to the couch.”

“Make me.”

Julian looked at him with his jaw hanging for a couple seconds. He seriously considered dragging him out if he had to.

“Wha -? I could call Odo and make him kick you out.”

“Oh, yes, you could, but no one would like that. Besides, he’s probably in his bucket now.”

“I won’t sleep on my own couch.”

“I never said you had to.”

“Garak, is this an elaborate plan to, to...”

“Doctor, there’s no plan here. Only a thermostat that works. Now will you please make up your mind about where you plan to sleep, so I can do the same?”

“Very well. Move to the side. And if you kick, I’ll kick you back, is that clear?”

“Very.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are love! 💕
> 
> And hey, am I the only one having trouble with rich text when posting from mobile?


	4. Breakfast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Garak has problems grasping the concept of human food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you think about it, the concept of milk is weird...

The first morning Julian woke up in Garak’s quarters, he went, half asleep, to the replicator.

“What do you want, love?”

“Rokassa juice and regova eggs, dear.” Garak’s voice sounded muffled while he dressed. Julian had opted to go only with his pants and get dressed after eating, as it was a bit hotter than a volcano in the room anyway.

When Garak finally finished dressing and sat at the table, he looked at the human breakfast with curiosity. Julian was finishing preparing a bowl of cereal for himself.

“What’s that white sauce?”

“Sauce? Oh, oh, this. No, this is milk.” Garak’s expression was blank. “You know, the nutrients rich liquid mammal mothers produce for their offspring?”

Garak looked at it with curiosity. He smelled it. He seemed about to put his finger in it, but at the last moment stopped and looked at Julian in the eye.

“Did your mother send it to you?”

Julian choked and coughed for a good five minutes until he was able to answer.

“No, no, I replicated it!”

“Oh, I see, do you input your mother’s genetic code somehow?”

“Why would I do that? Prophets, that’s gross. It’s a replica of cow’s milk, actually. It's an animal on Earth, four legs, we used to drink the milk and eat its meat. Now they’re all free but the flavours remained."

"I don't understand, you had to drink an animal secretion to get nutrients? And what did that animal drink, then?"

It was certainly getting uncomfortable for Julian, even if Garak's expression was one of utter confusion. How to explain it?

"Look, we don't  _ need  _ milk once early childhood is over and we get our first teeth, but we can use it for many products, like cheese, and yogurt, and, and... Well, and we like its flavour. That's it, it is not that complicated."

"So, you drink baby's food? What does the baby drink, then? Do all animals drink the milk from other species once they grow and have their teeth?"

“It’s... it’s mostly a human habit, I think. Just a way to get more food from cattle. Cattle, you have that, don’t you? Surely you have more than fruits, and vegetables and fishes.”

“Cattle?”

Oh, this was really not going well.

“Partly domesticated animals that you can eat, Garak?”

Garak opened his eyes comically and stood there one second, trying to understand what Julian was talking about.

“Oh, that’s awful, dear! You have animals, get to know and care about them, and then eat them?”

“I don’t think ancient farmers developed a tight bond with their cattle.” Julian suddenly felt oddly defensive of his ancestors.

“But they ate them.”

“Yes.”

“And drank their white secretion.”

“... Yes.”

“And prepared... what did you say? Cheese?”

“And yogurt, yes.”

“My dear, that is disgusting. On so many levels. Surely you are listening to the words that come out of your mouth.”

“Well, we don’t do that anymore. We have replicators, of course. What do  _ you _ eat, then?”

“Mostly roots, leaves, and fishes. Do you eat any other animals?”

“We don’t  _ eat.  _ We used to.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Well, we used to eat birds. Mostly flightless birds that laid big eggs.”

“Did you drink their milk as well?”

“They don’t have milk, Garak! Not every being produces it, you know.” Julian hoped, really hoped, Garak would not ask if males produced it as well. It was not a conversation he wanted to have while his cereal was deteriorating in his untouched bowl.

“How did they feed their young, then? My dear, your planet is more and more confusing for me. Did your birds drink some other thing? Did you eat something those birds produced?”

Julian was really not sure how cardassians reproduced. Maybe if he told him about eating eggs it would be very, very rude. Borderline obscene. Then again, there he was, the big old iguana, eating regova eggs in front of him. The silence started to feel uncomfortable.

“Well, dear?”

“We ate the eggs and the meat, Garak. Happy now?”

“Why would that make me happy or unhappy? Really, you make no sense, doctor.”

“How do  _ you _ get eggs, Garak? Do you breed the animals? I know for a fact you eat them as well.” He pointed at Garak’s plate, with a crossed expression.

“Why would we do that? We just take the eggs. Now fishes, those we have farms.” Garak nodded as if it was the most natural thing to do.

“And don’t you feel taking their eggs is a bit like taking things from other animals? At least we make sure there will be more by actually breeding the animals.”

“Oh, but each bird has a lot of eggs. The way I see it, we just help keep the balance. Imagine thousands of regova birds roaming the streets.”

Julian rolled his eyes.

“So, want to try my breakfast?”

“Are you sure it won’t be bad for me? We don’t need that kind of... white thing.”

“It’s replicated, how bad could it be?”

 

Three hours later, Julian was still cleaning Garak’s stomach, who kept swearing between pitiful bouts of gagging he’d never follow any of his suggestions again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While searching on memory beta, it was curious to discover most kardassi cuisine is either fish or strictly vegetarian! so this story took form based on that.
> 
> Thank you to the wonderful StarTravel, who always beta me so I don't make weird grammar mistakes.
> 
> Comments are love! I really want to know what you think of this weird piece.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are love! I'd like to know what you think of this new series. I've no idea where I will take this.


End file.
